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What About the Dog? Pet Custody and Divorce
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What About the Dog? Pet Custody and Divorce

Published on
Karis Nafte
Karis Nafte
Founder
Who Keeps the Dog

Imagine this scenario, if you or someone you know hasn’t already been in it: You and your ex have decided to go your separate ways. Whether a divorce or a breakup of a long-term partnership, the relationship is over and now you are faced with the horrible question no one wants to even consider: “Which one of us is keeping the dog?” If your separation is peaceful, or relatively peaceful, your first impulse might be to agree to share your dog. After all, you both love Rover and you are reasonable people, right? Here are some things to consider if you are thinking about sharing your dog with your ex.

As a Certified Dog Behaviour Consultant and pet custody mediator, I work with people going through divorce to navigate, and resolve, what will happen with their pets. Some have just decided to separate and want to resolve the question of their dog in the most fair and peaceful way possible, or they have children and want to come up with a plan for their dog that will allow the dog to move with the children between homes that will keep the dog’s routine consistent and happy for them. Others realise that, while they both want the dog, they do not want the decision to come from court where a judge decides for them.

My most heartbreaking type of clients are people who have already tried to share their dog and it is no longer sustainable, either for them or for their dog. The initial intention may have been made as a kind-hearted compromise, while for others it was the best way to pacify an angry ex who was making threats about fighting over the dog. By the time these people reach out to me it has sometimes become so stressful for the dog that they have become highly anxious or sick. Or things have become so toxic between the people they can’t rationally talk to each other anymore or worse, when it has become clear their ex is using the dog to keep tabs on them and force them to stay in their life.  Sometimes their ex has simply taken the dog and moved away in secret.

What people may not recognise initially is that sharing the dog with your ex may keep the wound of your relationship open for months or years, not allowing for the space that is needed to heal or move forward.  Without realising it, fighting over the dog can be a way to keep the relationship going with their ex. Constant conflict about the dog can be easier than simply saying goodbye. The connection over the dog has been described to me as “the last thing that is keeping us together”, “the final nail in the coffin”, “the symbol of everything that was good about us”, “they took my heart with them, I can’t let them have the dog too.” etc. Keeping the dog may feel like a victory, allowing your ex to have the dog means you are the looser. This can feel especially harsh when there were issues of infidelity, or if one of you moved quickly into a new relationship while the other has not.

If you are thinking about sharing your dog with your ex, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Will you be able to move on and heal from the divorce if you are in regular contact with your ex for as long as your dog is alive?
  • Do you want to know when they are in a new relationship and with whom or vice versa? How will it feel when you do have a new relationship for your ex to still be a constant presence in your life?
  • What if either of you have children, or buy a new house, do you want to have to share all those details of your life with them?
  • What if you decide to move to a new city because of a job promotion? (Imagine driving for hours to visit your dog.)
  • And the most important question of all – if your dog starts to become stressed or anxious by moving between two homes, do you love them enough to accept that one of you will have to say goodbye to allow your dog to live with one of you?

People, deliberately or not, may use a dog as a weapon against their ex for revenge, for power, or as a sneaky way to keep close tabs on their ex because they refuse to let go of the relationship. Carol called me in tears and told me an all too familiar story. When she asked for a divorce, her ex-husband agreed Carol could keep Charlie, her beloved dog. He would pay for their dog’s expenses for the rest of Charlie’s life provided he could come visit the dog when he wanted to. At the time, Carol was so relieved that he didn’t fight to keep Charlie that she signed the agreement as part of their divorce. Four years later Carol is trapped, emotionally she can’t move on from her divorce because her ex keeps dropping in to “visit Charlie”, often with a new girlfriend or fresh from an expensive exotic vacation. For Carol, the visits to Charlie feel like an assault. “He was never that interested in Charlie when we were together. It always feels like he is using Charlie as an excuse to punish me for leaving him. I never want to see him again, but I know that as long as Charlie is alive, I have no way to keep him out of my life.”

Carol is too scared to tell him to stop the visits because she is worried he will try to get custody of Charlie is she broke the agreement she signed. He has the money to pay for a lawyer, she doesn’t.  She was constantly anxious / and on edge / about this. “If I had only known what I was setting myself up for I never would have granted permission for this man to stay in my life in this way. I just want to move on with my life.”

Now, let’s talk about the biggest missing piece of this conversation and the reason I started doing the challenging, but necessary, job I do. The dogs themselves. The first question when people are considering sharing their dog should be “will this be good for the dog?” When I ask my clients if they think their dog is happy moving between houses, most feel that it would be easier on the dog if they only had one home.  I hear things like, he seems to tolerate the transitions okay, it only takes a few days for her to settle down, she seems to get used to the routines. And upon reflection, most of my clients tell me they wished they had never agreed to share the dog in the first place, that the dog would be much more content in one home, but they need help to work though the emotional entanglements to figure out a way forward.

Some dogs show their stress about moving homes in subtle ways, skipping meals, sleeping more than normal, avoiding people they are normally engaging with. For some it is much more obvious, becoming destructive, running away from the car if they know it is transition day, peeing inside or even nipping out of fear.

Peter was distraught. After months of fighting with lawyers, a judge in California ordered his dog, Daisy, an elderly girl with some health issues, be shared 50/50 with his ex-wife living one week with him, and one week with her. His ex-wife was not a stable person and had never spent much time caring for Daisy. After her first week with his ex-wife, Daisy hid in the closet for two days and refused to eat. She then wouldn’t leave Peter’s side unless he tried to get Daisy to go in the car, and every time he did, she ran back to hide in the closet. When he was forced to take Daisy back to his ex she panted and howled the entire way to her house and had to be dragged out of the car.

Can shared custody work?

Yes, it can, with the right dog and the right people. Certain genetic backgrounds for dogs, those bred for protection or herding work, will make it harder for them to move between homes because their heritage means they bond very strongly with one primary person. Dogs who are anxious or don’t cope well with change will also struggle. Whereas very easy going, mellow, curious and confident dogs can manage home transitions better. Every dog has to be looked at honestly as an individual.

Verbal agreements may be doomed to fail, so if you want to give it a fair shot, get professional help to write up a plan with clear boundaries and fair mechanisms to change the agreement if the dog is not coping, becomes sick or when they become too elderly to continue. To force a dog to remain in a shared custody beyond fairness to the dog is not ethical or fair. Our dogs deserve enough love and caring from the people in their lives that, even if it means one person has to give up the dog, their happiness is the most important thing.

About Karis Nafte

Karis Nafte, CDBC founder of Who Keeps the Dog, Pet Mediation is the worldwide pioneer in pet custody mediation and the first dog behaviour expert and mediator teaching in this field with more than 25 years experience working with dogs and families.

As well as seeing her own clients, Karis teaches professional development courses in pet custody for divorce professionals, mediators, coaches, collaborative practitioners, attorneys and judges. She has taught all over the world, including for the American Bar Association, the South Africa Association of Family Mediators, the Ontario Association of Family Mediators, The Kentucky Bar Association and many others.

Her book, Who Keeps the Dog? Navigating Pet Custody During Divorce available from Dogwise Publishers.

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Bird’s Nest Custody – a New Approach to Joint Custody?

Published on
Kate Banerjee Partner and Head of the Children Department Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors
Kate Banerjee
Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Touted as the smart new way to divorce by the media, ‘bird’s nest custody’ is becoming more common in the UK as rising numbers of British courts recommend shared parenting instead of sole custody for one of them.

Bird’s nest custody sees children stay in the family home, while their parents move in and out on an agreed schedule to look after them.

As well as the intended benefit of reducing stress and change for the youngsters, it can also be a cheaper solution for parents who might struggle to maintain their pre-divorce lifestyle.

Here, children would remain in the family home with one parent, while the other would live in a smaller flat, removing the need to provide two bedrooms for each child – complete with toys, fixtures and furniture at each place.

Parents can either swap between homes or stay with family and friends when their ex moves in.

To date, UK courts have not forced bird’s nesting onto anyone; however couples are coming across the solution via mediation, before reaching court.

With many divorcees reporting that it has also brought them closer together as they collaborate on the common goal of securing their children’s best interests, it is likely to increase in popularity.

On the surface, then, this is a promising route to a civilised family life after divorce.

However, it must be borne in mind that no two couples and no two divorces are the same, so there are no one-size-fits-all options. Below are some factors to consider if you’re wondering whether birds’ nest custody is right for your family:

  • The ages of the children. Some may be of an age where they can accommodate this arrangement, but older children may rebel, or feel unsettled by the situation.
  • How you will communicate what’s happening to your offspring. While the arrangement might give children a sense of security, it could also be quite confusing for them and raise false hope that their parents might get back together. Explaining it very carefully – particularly to younger children – is vital.
  •  Co-operation from your ex. The levels of trust and support needed to make birds’ nest custody work are quite rare among ex-partners, as inconvenient ‘real world’ practicalities will inevitably effect the arrangement. For example, one or both of you could meet someone else. There is also the issue of cooking and shopping for your ex, when you must declare that you have lived separately and apart before decree absolute can be granted.

We recommend that boundaries and rules are drawn up, written down – and signed up to before you embark on this arrangement.

Difficulties and obstacles are not insurmountable, but parents would need to compromise and plan and communicate effectively – just as in other child custody matters.

 Kate, is the Head of the Children Department at Jones Myers.   She is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes.

Kate specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

Clients find her sensitive, caring and approachable and she engenders these principles in all of her team.

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prenup definition

Child Custody and the Prenup

Published on
Karim Assad
Karim Assad
Divorce Solicitor
Cordell & Cordell

The Divorce Magazine recently got a reader’s question through regarding child custody and the prenup.  The enquirer wanted to know if, in the event of a divorce, child custody, child arrangment or guardianship can be included in the prenuptial agreement.

We put this question of child custody and the prenup through to Karim Assaad and this is what he responded that pre-Nuptial agreements should not be used when considering the arrangements for a child, as the interests change over the course of time.

Matters may arise which would render any agreement reached in relation to children by way of a pre-nuptial agreement entirely unsuitable and inconsistent with the best interests of a child or children of the family.

The best course of action if one finds himself not getting the time and contact with his children he believes is best, is often to simply start a formal action and get the process moving toward an enforceable order.

 

Karim Assaad is a London divorce solicitor at Cordell & Cordell. He has a wealth of knowledge and experience practicing family law, owning a proven record of providing indispensable advice to clients and delivering positive outcomes for them.

 

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Calling Yourself "Divorced"
Young teenage girl looking in the mirror in the room.
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Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

  • Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
  • Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
  • Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
  • Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
  • Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
  • Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
  • Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
  • Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
  • Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Divorcing? Reach a Financial Agreement for the Best Outcome

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Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Agreeing isn’t easy when you’ve split, but it has many advantages.

Financial agreements spare you the slog of a drawn-out divorce process, helping you save money and many headaches.

What is a divorce financial agreement?

A divorce financial agreement covers, in writing, how spouses who are ending their marriage will divide:

  • Property
  • Pensions
  • Savings
  • Investments

Agreements may also address spousal maintenance, stating the amount and how long it is to be paid.

To make an agreement legally binding, you must apply for a consent order.

To make sure your spouse can’t pursue you for more money, you can get a clean break order. This severs all financial ties between you and your spouse, and makes it so neither of you can hassle each other for money later on.

What is a child maintenance agreement?

If you have children, you might also agree on child maintenance.

A child maintenance agreement covers:

  • Who pays maintenance
  • How much they will pay
  • How often it’s paid
  • The payment method

It could be a standalone agreement or part of your agreed parenting plan.

Convincing your spouse to negotiate

If there are hard feelings between you and your spouse, you won’t be too eager to sit down at the negotiating table. Set aside your differences and focus on the positives of agreeing.

Get a faster resolution

If you litigate, the court’s calendar will dictate the pace of your case.

Agreeing means you can resolve things on your own time — and you’ll usually get an order sooner.

Even if you don’t reach a full divorce settlement, your case will still go quicker since you already addressed finances.

Save money

It’s common for spouses to rack up several thousand pounds in solicitor and other fees. Long, drawn out cases can even reach six figures.

Exact costs vary case by case, but alternate methods of dispute resolution are much cheaper than litigation.

  • Direct negotiations: You’ll sit down with your spouse and work out your financial agreements. Essentially, you don’t have to pay anything for the negotiations.
  • Negotiations with a solicitor: A solicitor provides guidance as you work out your agreement. They will also put your agreement in writing. Costs are generally around £3,000.
  • Mediation: A neutral third party will help you and your spouse find common ground so you can agree. On average, mediators charge about £100 to £300 per hour. If your financial situation is simple, the entire process could be less than £1,000.

You’ll save even more by splitting costs with your spouse.

Control the outcome

You and your spouse will have the final say on your financial arrangements. You can customise your agreement to suit your unique needs.

For example, instead of setting a specific amount of child maintenance, you can state the parent will pay for certain expenses, like the child’s schooling.

Preserve decorum

Trials are contentious. If you didn’t already have a fraught relationship, going to court could give you a negative opinion of your spouse.

Negotiating shows grace and a willingness to move on. This is essential if you have children. Agreeing on financials will let you practise compromise which might make it easier to collaborate on decisions related to your child.

Preparing for negotiations

Spouses must disclose all financial assets and liabilities.

You might need to consult an expert to get an accurate portrait of your finances. For example:

  • An estate agent or a chartered surveyor to determine property value
  • A forensic accountant to assess the value of a business
  • An actuary for a report on pension funds

It’s possible to split the costs for these services with your spouse.

Create a written proposal to show your spouse what you believe is fair to help move negotiations along.

Once you’ve agreed, you’ll file your agreement with the court.

Your court-approved agreement goes into effect immediately. You’ll have the peace of mind that the financial parts of your divorce are settled.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Do You Have to Use AI in Your UK Divorce?

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Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

UK solicitors, including those in family law firms, are using diverse AI tools in 2026. If you hire a solicitor, they’ll likely make some use of AI in your case. Exactly what use may be appropriate will vary depending on your situation. If you’re representing yourself, then it’s up to you what technology you use to organise your information and present your case to the court.

If you have legal representation

Family law involves the physical and emotional safety and overall well-being of adults and children. The tools that today we call “AI” can’t replace human sensitivity and expertise in this area. Legal experts do, however, use AI to enhance their research process and their judgments.

Many law firms use specialised AI systems that train on legal documents. These systems are called Retrieval Augmented Generation (RAG) because they retrieve specialised data to generate text. These systems are more accurate and effective than generic chatbots that train on whatever text they can scrape or are fed. RAG minimises what are called “hallucinations,” that is, words that do not correspond to reality.

Some AI tools are designed to give risk assessments — for example, about possible threats to a child’s well-being. These tools can be biased, insofar as there can be bias in data they reference or in how they are coded. Other tools are designed to help adults negotiate a financial compromise by predicting what they’ll settle for. This can speed up mediation or arbitration in family law.

A September 2024 survey conducted for Clio, a legal technology company, found that nearly all UK law firms were using AI in some way. Drafting documents was one of the most common uses. Most solicitors who were surveyed said they felt their use of AI did not make them more productive, improve their work quality, reduce their stress, or even save them time. They may have meant that they used it often and it wasn’t helpful, or that it was helpful but they didn’t yet use it often. Most reported that their firms intended to increase their use of AI.

One reason law firms use AI is that they know other firms are using it. The availability of AI resets expectations for what kind of legal representation is adequate. A solicitor is professionally obligated to represent their client competently; therefore, they may use AI especially if they believe it could help their client win or lower their client’s legal bills.

There is even an AI-only law firm, Garfield AI, the first of its kind in the UK. However, it doesn’t practice family law. It generates letters to recover small debts. If you seek help from a family law firm, there will be a human involved in the process.

 

If you’re handling your court case on your own

Simply because “you don’t know what you don’t know,” try to at least consult with a legal expert if at all possible. They can let you know if they anticipate you might need to pay attention to a certain topic or if you might encounter something complex. If you can’t afford the help you need, see if you qualify for legal aid. Be aware that a designated assistant called a McKenzie friend can come to court with you.

Divorces and cases for child arrangements are stressful. Reading and writing can be part of that stress, and sometimes people look for ways to smooth the path. A basic AI program can help you summarise a stack of documents, draft a letter, change your text to make it sound formal for court or simple enough for a child to understand, or translate between English and another language.

Even so, don’t rely on AI to do all your research and communication for you. Remember that AI can overlook important information, suggest wording that’s false or otherwise inadvisable for you to say, and miss the nuance of what others have said. There are many reasons not to make a parenting plan with AI — for example, you’d be better off using a template that has a history of being accepted in court. And you’ll want to make your own schedule carefully so you know exactly what parental responsibilities you’re promising, down to the hour.

Don’t ask a mainstream AI platform like ChatGPT for legal advice. Though it may be able to generally describe the law where you live, it could leave you with inaccurate impressions, as it has likely trained on information about the United States and other countries. Secondly, no AI program begins with any unique facts about your case, like the real reason you broke up with your ex or what homework help your child needs. Before it could even begin to summarise your situation, you’d have to provide a lot of private information, which you might not feel comfortable providing to an AI company. And even with that information, a basic AI text generator might not be able to help you protect yourself or strategise.

 

Choose how to organise and present your own information

You and your children deserve to put your best foot forward and make your strongest possible case in court. A solicitor, if you hire one, will have ideas about how to do this, and they’ll likely use AI in some way. If you’re representing yourself, you can make your own choices about how you’ll comply with court requirements.

Everyone who goes to court can use technology to stay organised. You’ll likely want to record your living expenses, save your text messages with your ex, and format a professional-looking document. There’s software for this, like Custody X Change and other co-parenting apps, that doesn’t involve “AI.”

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation
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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation

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Parenting stress can be bad enough when you’re in a relationship with your child’s other parent. Going through a separation can make it even more crushing.

Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Luckily, parenting stress is manageable if you put in the work. The following can help you lower your stress levels…

Positive affirmations

Stress can leave you feeling inadequate. Positive affirmations provide reassurance so you worry less.

Remind yourself of the good that you do for your child:

  • “I provide my child with what they need.”
  • “I listen when my child has a problem.”
  • “I’m a great parent.”
  • “I love my child unconditionally.”
  • “I stay strong for my child no matter what.”

Remind yourself that you can move forward after separation.

  • “I can get through this.”
  • “I’m desirable and worthy of love.”
  • “I have a lot to offer.”
  • “My marriage doesn’t define who I am.”
  • “This is the start of a new – and better – chapter.”

You can find many affirmations to use online or write your own to directly address your stressors. It’s all about setting intentions and turning negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

You could make crafts that incorporate your affirmations and put them around your home. This is a fun way to de-stress and make a habit of starting your day by reciting your affirmations.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Comparing yourself to others is a surefire way to make you feel lousy.

You might wonder why you couldn’t make your relationship work while others can, or why other parents never seem frazzled or overwhelmed like you do.

Understand that people often project an image that is not reality, especially on social media. Stop consuming content that makes you feel worse. Instead, look for more realistic depictions. You might turn to those in your real life who are willing to have honest conversations about their experiences with parenting and separation.

Letting go of chasing the “perfect” separation or being the “perfect” parent will lift a good deal of weight off your shoulders.

Keep yourself in check

If your child sees you engaging in harmful behaviours to relieve stress, they may have trouble managing their own negative emotions. Drinking to excess, yelling, and throwing things are bad behaviours you don’t want your child to mimic.

Stress can shorten your fuse. It’s important to hold back when you find yourself on the verge of breaking down in front of your child. If your child is frustrating you to the point that you might lash out, walk away for a moment. Take a deep breath and collect yourself.

Acknowledge how you’re feeling without letting your negative emotions take over. Eventually, you’ll realise that you are in control, which will make dealing with day-to-day mishaps and your child’s misbehaviour less stressful.

Don’t take on all parenting alone

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one parent to shoulder all parenting responsibility after separation. But both parents still have an obligation to care for and provide for their child.

Try to sit down together and create a temporary parenting agreement. This ensures both parents know what is expected of them. If it works well, you can make it a permanent agreement.

If you have trouble getting on the same page, you might need to go to court. The family court process in England and Wales is slightly different than the process in Scotland and in Northern Ireland. But the result is the same: a court order that clearly defines each parent’s responsibilities.

Give yourself a break

Take time to relax and reset.

Try to do something for yourself every day. It can be as simple as reading a book or watching a few episodes of your favourite show. Take a warm bath to unwind after the kids are in bed. Exercise to release tension.

You might feel guilty if you aren’t always with your child. However, getting breaks from them lets you reconnect with who you are outside of parenting. The other parent can look after them when they’re available, or you can ask a friend or relative if a sitter is too expensive.

When you are with your kids, do something fun. Baking, playing sports, making crafts, going to the cinema, and other activities are fun ways to help everyone relax.

 

Get help

It’s comforting to know there are resources available. Get support when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

  • Relatives and friends: Lean on your village for support. They can provide childcare, lend an ear when you need to vent, and more.
  • Support groups: Look for support groups for separated parents, which can provide encouragement, advice and support.
  • Therapists: A good therapist can help you talk through your problems so they aren’t weighing on your mind and help you develop coping strategies.
  • Your general practitioner (GP): Your GP makes sure you’re looking after your health and can write referrals to mental health and other services if need be.
  • Co-parenting apps: Apps like Custody X Change help you stay organised as you build your child arrangements case, keep track of your child’s activities, and more.

 

Managing parenting and separation is hard, but working to reduce your stress levels makes dealing with it much more bearable.

 

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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When You're Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient
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When You’re Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

When you’re partnering with someone who already has a child, you can expect to play a significant role in that child’s life. As you move in with and marry your partner, your involvement with their child is likely to increase. The child may not feel comfortable with you immediately, and it’s OK to take it slow. Patience, compassion and steadiness make a big difference. 

Starting slow as a new parental figure

Children appreciate when adults take an interest in them. While you’re first getting to know your partner’s kids, observe the family dynamics and learn what the kids are like as individuals. You may not need to be hands-on at first. Just be present and actively witness what their family life is like. Gradually become part of it.

You might be inclined to give the children treats as a way of gaining their goodwill. However, spoiling them can make you a “Disneyland stepparent” — with your partner doing the hard work of child care, while you’re there for TV, ice cream and outings. This won’t be a good long-term dynamic, as it sets unrealistic expectations and leaves everyone frustrated.

At an early stage in your stepparenting role, you can simply affirm or gently enforce existing household rules. Later, you may take a more active disciplinary role. 

No one can force a child to feel a particular way about their stepparent. You can’t choose a child’s feelings nor when those feelings change. That shift may be internal and private to them, or they may share their feelings about you with other people they trust rather than conveying them to you directly.

Nonetheless, a parent can say that their child has to respect and obey their stepparent, while a stepparent can support and reinforce parent–child relationships.

Family intimacy grows over time. Hugging and other expressions of affection may happen when they seem natural or appropriate.

Meanwhile, keep putting effort into yourself and your new marriage.

  • Practice self-care. You matter too, and you show up best for others when you value yourself.
  • When you’re upset, take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make a child reassure you, predict your moods or accommodate your needs.
  • Pay attention to your spouse. It not only develops and deepens the relationship between the two of you, it enables you to show up for the kids too.
  • Encourage your spouse and their ex to cooperate on parenting matters. If they handle issues out of court, great. Don’t escalate drama.

Form a new sense of who you are as a family

Consciously choose your language. Your stepchild can give input on what they feel comfortable calling you — your first name or something else. This might be a part of your relationship that you can co-create.

Similarly, think about how you name your relationship to them. Originally, they were your partner’s kids. Once you’re married, you might call them your “stepkids”, but if the word “step” doesn’t feel right, maybe you refer to them as “our kids” or “the kids.”

You and your spouse should support the child’s other family relationships. Sometimes a stepparent adopts their stepchild, becoming the legal parent, after which (depending on the situation) the child may or may not have any contact with the former parent. But if the other parent will remain in the picture and you’ll remain the step-parent, you should enable appropriate parent–child contact.

It’s in the child’s best interests to keep their family connections, even if they don’t yet understand that. Respect those relationships and help preserve them. Don’t try to replace other important people in your step child’s life, especially their other parent. The child may suffer real loss when people come and go. Don’t give them a reason to resent or blame you later.

Allow your step child to have private time with both of their parents: your spouse and your spouse’s ex. Start your own unique activities with the child so they can come to understand and appreciate you as an individual.

As a married couple, when you welcome the kids back to your house after they’ve visited their other parent, respect the time they may need to settle back in. Handovers can be stressful, sad or confusing. You don’t have to pretend otherwise and push the kids to socialise if they need time to rest. Empathise, acknowledge their feelings and connect with them. And don’t interrogate the kids about what they did with their other parent.

If you’re bringing your own children to the marriage too, reassure them that your love for them won’t diminish just because you’ve remarried and have new stepchildren. Find ways you can all merge into a family. Kids of similar ages may form special bonds with each other.

Stepparenting is a role in which you’ll not only support your stepchild’s growth — you’ll grow too. Your stepparenting will be a big part of your family’s future.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

5 Tips for Managing Your Child's Expenses Post Divorce
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5 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Expenses Post Divorce

Published on
Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Divorce leads to major changes in your finances. You might pay thousands for solicitor and court fees. With one income leaving your home, you’ll likely incur new expenses like child care if a parent will no longer be at home to care for the children.

While your ex should shoulder some of the burden for the cost of raising your child, it might fall mostly on you if you provide the child’s primary residence.

It’s a lot to take on, but if you’re proactive, you can manage.

Tip #1: Create a monthly budget

A budget can help you stay within your means and figure out where you need to cut corners.

As you prepare for divorce, make a categorised list of all your bills (e.g., housing, electricity) and expected expenses (e.g., food, petrol), along with how much you expect to spend in each category.

While bills are straightforward, it can be a bit tricky to estimate expenses. Look at receipts, bank statements and other proofs of payment to help you figure out your average expenses. Keep in mind, this amount might vary month to month. The goal is to figure out how much you spend on average so you don’t spend more than you make.

You could do separate accounting for your child’s expenses (a sound idea if the other parent is expected to pay a portion) or keep it all together. Example expenses you might incur because of your child include:

  • Schooling (e.g., uniforms, tutoring, supplies)
  • Transport
  • Communications (e.g., TV, internet, mobile phone)
  • Clothing and footwear
  • Extra-curriculars
  • Recreation (e.g., eating out, going to concerts)
  • Child care
  • Medicine
  • Personal care

Add up your bills and expenses to get your total monthly spending.

Next, add up your earnings from work and other sources, like spousal or child maintenance if you’re receiving payments.

Subtract total bills and expenses from your earnings. You could allocate a portion of your residuals to savings. Include this in your budget as well.

If you’re left with zero or less, find ways to adjust your budget to suit your income. Your child might have a piano lesson once a week rather than twice. You might unsubscribe from a streaming service.

Keep track of your monthly spending to make sure you’re sticking to your budget. If you’re looking for a template for your budget, there are budget worksheets available online or you can create a spreadsheet. There are also finance apps that help you stay on top of spending.

Tip #2: Make a plan for shared co-parenting expenses

Co-parents often argue about how to sort out costs related to the children.

A good way to lessen headaches is to make a list of co-parenting shared expenses. Discuss with your co-parent how you’ll split each expense or whether one parent will cover the full cost.

You might split everything equally or split in relation to each parent’s income. You could keep track of these expenses and invoice one another for reimbursement at the end of the month.

Tip #3: Prioritise needs over wants

In the aftermath of divorce, you’ll feel some guilt that makes you want to spoil your kids.

It’s tough not being able to get your child everything they want. However, if you spoil them, they’ll expect that treatment all the time, which may not be possible with your budget.

Budget for gifts, entertainment and recreation last so they don’t get in the way of paying bills and buying necessities.

Tip #4: Teach your children financial responsibility

Help your children learn the value of money so their expectations become a bit more realistic.

One way to teach your children financial literacy is to give them pocket money. Assign chores for them to do to earn their money so they gain understanding of the work you put in to provide for them.

When your child asks for something pricey, encourage them to save up a portion of their pocket money until they can afford it so they learn the importance and benefits of saving.

If your child is mature enough, you could allow them to have their own bank account and debit card.

Tip #5: Seek help when needed

Newly divorced parents often feel the need to prove they can go it alone. While learning self-reliance is essential to moving on, there’s nothing wrong with getting help to benefit your child.

Professionals like financial advisers assist your transition to post-divorce life by advising you on your spending and how to save more. Plus, government resources are available. Reach out to family and friends for support as well. They can be especially important when it comes to saving on child care costs.

Read more articles by Zarira Love.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent
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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

Five Co-Parenting Rules for a Painless Festive Season
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Five Co-Parenting Rules for a Painless Festive Season

Published on
Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

The festive season is a joyous time for many families. However, if you’re going through a divorce or separation, you might be dreading it.

Navigating co-parenting during this time can cause headaches that may take away from the season’s excitement.

Follow these rules for a (relatively) painless festive season.

Rule #1: Plan ahead by creating a holiday schedule

A holiday schedule tells exactly how you will share time during the festive season.

Choosing a holiday schedule that suits your child’s best interests and relationship with your co-parent is vital. When you create a parenting plan, browse holiday parenting schedules for inspiration.

Get your schedule approved by the court (as a consent order) in case one parent fails to follow the arrangement.

Rule #2: Stick to what the kids know

Straying too far from what the children are used to can cause stress and confusion. If their normal is spending the festive season with both parents, do what you can to maintain that tradition.

For example, you could still have a shared Christmas dinner. Friends and family can serve as a buffer to help you avoid awkwardness.

If this won’t do, find ways to divide the time somewhat evenly. One parent could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, and the other could have it on Christmas Day.

Sit down with the kids so they know ahead of time how they will be splitting holiday time with you and your co-parent. Do what will reassure your children that they will still have two parents actively involved in their lives.

Rule #3: Be cordial

The first festive season after your separation will set the stage for what the children will expect going forward.

Put aside bad feelings towards your ex and focus on the memories your child can create with both of their parents.

You don’t have to buy your ex a gift, but common decency can help everyone enjoy the festive season. Communicate your plans. If you’re dropping the kids at the other parent’s home, take them to the door and say hello. If you do decide to exchange gifts, discuss it in advance to avoid awkward surprises.

A show of goodwill benefits your co-parenting relationship and can help your children cope with divorce.

Rule #4: Don’t compete

Co-parenting is all about working together although you’re apart. However, parents may try to get the kids to favor them.

Competition coupled with guilt may lead some to go overboard with gift-giving during the festive season. Children may come to expect this treatment every year, which may not be feasible in the long term. Plus, it may teach them that belongings are more important than time together.

Children need love and support more than any material gift. Be present with them instead of trying to outdo your ex.

Rule #5: Be patient

Adjusting to co-parenting takes time. It’s okay if your first time co-parenting during the festive season is a bit rocky.

View this first festive season as a trial run and make adjustments as needed. Address any confusion ahead of time to avoid arguments. If you’re unable to pick up the children at the time you’re scheduled to, give a heads up.

It’s important you don’t let these setbacks overshadow your time with the children. Start new traditions. Put on your silliest Christmas jumpers and take a photo. Bake cookies. Do arts and crafts. All this can be therapeutic for parents and children alike.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

Make Peace With Your Ex: Kids Do Best After Divorce if Parents Get Along
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Make Peace With Your Ex: Kids Do Best After Divorce if Parents Get Along

Published on
Shea Drefs
Shea Drefs
Managing Editor
Custody X Change

Parents who get along well after their divorce are 53% likelier to say their kids adjusted well than parents who get along badly. Could this encourage co-parents to act civilly for the sake of the kids?

The new data released also shows that the parent who files for divorce is 14% likelier to get the custody time they want or more.

Custody X Change, a co-parenting app, surveyed 1,000 people who had a divorce involving child custody in the past two years. Participants were U.S.-based and completed the survey last month.

“This data has the potential to help a parent make their divorce as smooth as possible,” said Ben Coltrin, Custody X Change co-founder and president.

Exes who get along well have well-adjusted kids

Eighty-four percent of parents who reported getting along well with their ex said their children have also adjusted well. But only 55% of parents who get along badly said their children have adjusted well.

While this is a strong correlation, it does not prove cause and effect. The parents’ relationship may be affecting the child’s happiness, the child’s happiness may be affecting the parents’ relationship, and numerous other factors may be involved.

Nonetheless, Coltrin said, “We hope this motivates divorced parents to look at what could be the effects of how they treat each other and what could help their children thrive.”

Divorce petitioners happier with custody schedules than respondents

Ninety-five percent of parents received a court-ordered custody schedule. Of these parents, most got at least the custody time they wanted, but this was more likely for the petitioner in the case.

The correlation between petitioning for divorce and getting the custody time desired could have numerous explanations.

For instance, there might be a court bias toward the petitioner; the parent with the stronger case might be more likely to petition; and petitioners might have more reasonable expectations overall than respondents. More research is needed to understand the contributing factors.

The survey also found that petitioners are likelier to be happy with how the custody schedule is working. Ten percent more petitioners said their schedule is working well, and 7% fewer petitioners said it’s working badly.

Might this be because they’re happier with their amount of parenting time? Of parents awarded the time they wanted or more, only 3% thought the schedule was working badly. And, as explained above, petitioners had a better chance of being awarded that time.

About Shea Drefs

Shea Drefs began her career as a news reporter. For more than five years now, she has led a writing team that helps parents understand child custody and co-parenting. She particularly enjoys making complex legal processes easy to understand.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children. www.custodyxchange.com

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