DIY divorces

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The Dangers of DIY Divorces
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The Dangers of DIY Divorces

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Since fault free divorce law came into effect on 6th April 2022, it has become much easier for parties to complete a DIY divorce without seeking legal advice. Whilst the changes were welcomed, the new law has resulted in many DIY divorcees not understanding the law and/or encountering problems along the way.

One common (and wrong) assumption is that the Final Order of divorce automatically prevents an ex-spouse from making financial claims in the future. This is false. The only way to achieve a legally binding financial “clean break” is for the parties to also submit a separate signed Consent Order to the Court embodying the financial agreement they have reached. If this additional step is not taken, an ex-spouse is entitled to make financial claims against their former spouse in the future, even after they are divorced and the assets have been divided.

A trigger for a financial claim by an ex-spouse months or years after the divorce could be, for example, if a former spouse later accumulates wealth, such as by inheritance or lottery win. This situation can be stressful and expensive to sort out and therefore it is always advisable to enter into a Consent Order at the time of divorce.

In some DIY divorce cases the parties may be aware of the requirement to have a Consent Order but do not take advice before signing the document.   This could result in a binding Order that excludes valuable assets or income that cannot later be re-visited.

Another common mistake is some of the less obvious assets of the marriage such as pensions and business interests are overlooked, instead focussing on property alone. The pension assets of a marriage can be some of the most valuable assets and are often ignored resulting in a poor outcome for the party with the lower pension provision.

Timing is another factor that can get overlooked. For example, a divorce lawyer would usually recommend a final Order of Divorce is not applied for until financial matters have been resolved and a Consent Order approved by the Court (but not in all circumstances). There could also be consequences if a party re-marries before they have properly dealt with financial matters.

Believe it or not, every case is different. The individual facts need to be applied to each set of circumstances. Whilst many DIY divorcees will scour the internet for advice, there are no on-line resources that provide the answer to every single situation/scenario.  That’s why is it is always advisable to take legal advice early on, even if that advice is limited to just one consultation.

In conclusion, whilst a DIY divorce will always be the cheapest option, it is important that parties going through divorce can properly understand what they need to do, when, and to consider any other factors they may not have thought about.  This will ensure parties do not find themselves in a position where their quest to save money could be a decision they later live to regret.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Will I Lose My Personal and Business Assets in Divorce?
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Will I Lose My Personal and Business Assets in Divorce?

Published on
Kate Booth
Kate Booth
Solicitor, Head of Family & Matrimonial
Brindley, Twist, Tafft & James Solicitors (BTTJ)

Former partners have the right to claim a stake in anything from their ex’s business to a jackpot win unless the correct legal procedures have been followed to ensure full protection.

Without a financial order in place – which includes a clean break – divorcees are leaving themselves exposed to the risk of being forced to part with personal or business assets.

A divorce simply ends a marriage. Without a financial order couples are still financially tied in the eyes of the law. So if a person later builds a big nest egg, has a successful business, makes a good return on the sale of a property or wins the lottery, their ex has the right legally to make a claim against them.

Although dividing up a business and its assets is a lot more complicated for the courts, it is still not without risk. A lot of it comes down to personal circumstance.

A court will look at various things such as the length of the marriage, when the business began, the kind of business it is, its assets, how much it was worth in the past and by how much it has increased during the marriage – in some cases a business will be deemed as an asset capable of being divided.

Factors which help determine a court’s ruling include the financial circumstances of each of the individual parties, ensuring both sets of financial needs are met to accommodate a decent standard of living.

Where possible courts will look at meeting a spouse’s financial needs without dipping into non-matrimonial assets.

A person who has remarried would generally be unable to make a claim against their former spouse, but the person who remains unmarried can still apply.

People who end their marriages with online divorces, including couples who make a joint application, may be among those who later find themselves the subject of claims.

With no legal advice included in the ‘DIY divorces’ many remain unaware the divorce simply means the end of the marriage and not the end of financial ties.

It comes back to the first piece of advice we would always give which is do not leave things, even if very amicable at the point of divorce, as if one day circumstances change – for example unemployment, illness or injury – a court can only work from values of assets at the time the application is brought.

It may rule that an increase in the value of the business should not be attributed to the person making the claim, but there is always a danger that it might be.

For further details on BTTJ log on to www.bttj.com.

Read more articles by Brindley, Twist, Tafft & James Solicitors (BTTJ).

About Kate

Kate deals with private family law cases including divorce and related financial matters, children, injunction and cohabitation issues. She also advises clients in connection with pre-nuptial and cohabitation agreements.

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The Divorce Fair – How To Move On

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Divorce Fair
Mr Smith O’Connor
Creator of
The Divorce Fair

Demystify the divorce process

Discover how to co-parent successfully

Divorce intelligently and stay in control

The first ever UK’s Divorce Fair is coming to London. This unique event will take place over three days between Thursday 20th to Saturday 22nd February 2020 and aims to help those contemplating or going through divorce by giving them the desired information and answers.

We have created the Divorce Fair to bring experts in Finance, Law, Wellbeing and Parenting all together to demystify the divorce process, show how to thrive post-divorce and how to be motivated that life can begin anew after a split.

For those worried about the effects of divorce on the children, specialists will show how to become a successful co-parent and deal with all the stress and confusion within a nurturing and safe environment.

Coaches and Speakers will inspire and workshops will help facilitate an intelligent divorce. Staying in control of divorce means getting access to the right experts – and The Divorce Fair brings them all in one place.

Whatever stage of the divorce process someone is in, and whether or not they have been married, cohabiting or civil partnership relationship.

Visitors to this boutique event at the Hilton London Olympia will get the opportunity to hear from keynote speakers, attend informative seminars & workshops, meet with expert exhibitors and learn how to bounce back from divorce.

Alongside selected experts in Finance, Law, Mediation, Counselling and Parenting exhibitors and speakers include organisations offering tips on health & wellbeing, DIY divorces, remedies, retraining for a new career or setting up a business, property investment, personal styling, aesthetics and dating advice.

We get answers to these questions and more:

“We are about to divorce, but can we save our marriage?”

“We ended our relationship. What to do next, divorce?”

“Is divorce the only solution?”

“I am going through divorce; did I take all important steps”

“What to do after divorce? How do I start again?”

“I am already divorced and need help with co-parenting.”

“My friend needs help, what can I do for him/her?”

We would like to offer help and advice throughout this tough and emotional time in life and we hope and believe that our participants will leave motivated, emotionally supported and well informed.

More information will come very soon. The Divorce Fair is free to attend and you can register your interest on our website www.oriongrouplondon.uk/divorce-fair

About Mr Smith O’Connor

Mr Smith O’Connor is an entrepreneurial investor who wants to ‘give back’ by creating events that help transform lives for the better.

Together with Orion Group London Limited, an independent event company, he created the Divorce Fair first time in the UK, providing a safe space for separating people to access all the legal, financial, parenting and wellbeing guidance that they need.

He himself has been divorced and he believes that his Event in Kensington will help divorcing couples to transition out of their marriages as successfully as he has, focusing always on keeping things amicable for the sake of the children.

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family arbitration
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Family Arbitration UK: a Safety Measure for Divorce?

Published on

Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

In this article, I explore how family arbitration UK could provide an element of psychological security on the bumpy road of the divorce journey.

I interviewed a range of family arbitrators about whether arbitration saves the client money, and whether the arbitrator’s decision is always enforceable by law.

As the court system struggles to keep it’s head above the rising fiscal tide, the reduced access to legal aid for court cases and ensuing explosion of DIY divorces clogging up the already overburdened courts, a long term viable solution needs to be found – and found quickly.

But isn’t it already here?

Despite some serious battles for recognition and still a long way to go to become established as the divorce option of choice, Mediation is surely the intelligent way to resolve differences of opinion during a divorce. However, the reality is that sometimes it’s necessary to agree to disagree on some issues – and that’s where an Arbitrator has such a powerful role to play.

That disagreement can be handed over to a specialist in that particular field, an Arbitrator, and their decision allows the mediation process to then continue, or be brought to a happy conclusion.

It’s a bit like when seat belts were brought in. I remember ardent Liberals complaining that enforced wearing of seat belts was denying people their right to take care of their own safety, but these days, I doubt there are many people who would rally the Government to change the law back to ‘choose for yourself’.

One day in the future, people may look back at the divorce process of our current times and marvel at how many initially amicable divorces crumbled into a fight in court, and be amazed to learn that the safety belt of Arbitration was there waiting in the wings to be used, if only the clients had fully understood it’s benefits.

Can family arbitration save clients money?

It is fair to point out that compared to getting the court forms for a divorce and going the DIY route with no complex financial issues to resolve and no disagreement, obviously Arbitration will add cost on top if you need some help in resolving a dispute and choose not to use mediation or the collaborative law process.

Family arbitration UK
Can family arbitration save clients money?

“In many cases, it will be more expensive to arbitrate, because the parties will be paying the fees of the arbitrator whereas going to court involves no direct cost once the application fee is met. Of course, you’re right to say that arbitration is quicker which normally involves less expense (time is money), but I’m not sure I’d say it’s always the cheaper option.” Alexander Chandler (Barrister & Arbitrator Chambers of Deborah Eaton QC and Philip Marshall QC).

Alexander is making a fair point about the cost of court being less than the cost of Arbitration if you only count in the court fees.

From what I can see, family Arbitration provides an excellent alternative to going to court – cheaper, quicker and possibly fairer, bearing in mind how some family court judges have far less training and expertise in family law than a qualified Family Arbitrator does.

Time is money, and Arbitration can save a great deal of time – especially compared to going to court. Arbitrators can be accessed for as little as £500 depending on which Arbitrator you choose and the required specialised experience, which is a lot less than what you will pay for barristers and court time – especially if the dispute is a complex financial issue.

The process is flexible and allows for disclosure to be provided in an efficient manner which suits the issues to be resolved rather than the “one size fits all” method which the court uses. This clearly has an immediate costs saving for all concerned. Solicitors retain their involvement throughout and they have clients who are content because they have achieved an outcome, even if it is not the outcome they wanted, without the costs and unpleasantness of the court.” Clare (Sibson) Thornton, Thornton Jones Family Law.

It’s not just the money in the divorcees pockets that could be saved using arbitration, but also the State has much to gain financially as well in reducing the time litigants spend in court by finding quicker, cheaper solutions.

“By comparison, Arbitration is quick, cheap, private and confidential and the person making the decision is an experienced family practitioner who has been through a very difficult assessment process to be admitted as an Arbitrator.” Olive McCarthy, Breeze & Wyles

Is Arbitration legally binding? Does it have any teeth?  Find out in Part 2

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: http://ifla.org.uk/.

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

 

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Thinking About A Prenup? Divorce Solicitor Answers Your Most-Googled Questions
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Thinking About A Prenup? Divorce Solicitor Answers Your Most-Googled Questions

Published on
Sophia Yau-Rosher
Sophia Yau-Rosher
Director
Beecham Peacock LLP

The celebrity world is abuzz with yet another high-profile divorce case. Billionaire and former record executive, David Geffen, has filed for divorce from his 32-year-old dancer husband, David Armstrong. The marriage only lasted two years, and despite the 82-year-old being worth a reported $8.7 billion, the couple did not sign a prenup.

Although the majority of us won’t have anywhere near as much wealth to protect, it’s important to protect your future, ensuring that your assets remain protected in the event of a divorce. The first three months of 2024 alone saw 27,908 divorce applications, with 21,662 final orders also granted.

With more and more engaged couples entering into marriage with a realistic viewpoint, prenups are becoming more commonplace than ever. The popularity of prenups has risen by 60% in recent years, with postnup agreements seeing an increase of nearly 185%.

If you – like 31% of couples who now have a prenup – are anxious around the concept of tying your assets to your relationship, you will likely have some questions. Expert divorce solicitor Sophia Yau-Rosher – from Newcastle-based divorce solicitors Beecham Peacock – answers the top ten most-Googled prenup questions per month, helping you stay informed ahead of your marriage.

1. What is a prenup?

“Put simply, a prenup is a legal document that two parties agree to before they marry, or enter a civil partnership,” Yau-Rosher explains.

“The document sets out the financial responsibilities of both parties and allows for the protection of certain assets, including property, investments, inheritance and more in the event of a divorce. It also outlines which party is responsible for specific debts and other financial issues, should the marriage or civil partnership come to an end.

“A prenup can provide protection and offer clarity for both parties in the event of a difficult or contentious divorce.”

2. Can you change a prenup?

“Ahead of your marriage, you can make as many changes to your prenup as you like,” Yau-Rosher assures. “As long as both parties have sought independent legal advice and feel comfortable with the changes, there is no reason why amendments cannot be made to the document before it is signed.

“However, after you are legally married, you cannot change or modify your prenuptial agreement. If your financial or emotional circumstances change during the course of your marriage and the prenup is no longer relevant, you can consider a postnuptial agreement – or postnup – which carries the same kind of legal weighting.”

3. Are prenups legal in the UK?

“Your prenup is not legally binding in either England or Wales. A court will not automatically enforce the terms of your prenup in the event of a divorce. However, a prenup that both parties have freely entered into will likely add weight to any court arrangements.

“If both parties concerned have disclosed their full financial situations and received independent legal advice pertaining to the prenup, the court will usually give considerable legal weight to the agreement during any financial disputes.”

4. What does a prenup do?

“Essentially, a prenup safeguards any assets that you or your partner bring to the marriage, protecting your interests in the event of a divorce. It also deals with the financial impact of any inheritance, dependents – such as current or future children – and any shifts in earning potential.

“Your prenuptial agreement provides you and any children from previous relationships with financial reassurance in the case of divorce,” Yau-Rosher explains. “It is not a sign that either party is unsure about the marriage, but rather a sensible step in future financial planning.”

5. Can you write your own prenup in the UK?

“As prenuptial agreements are not legally binding documents, you can pen your own in the UK. However, in order for the court to take your prenup seriously in the event of a divorce, it needs to be prepared in a specific way.

“I always advise my clients to seek professional legal assistance in drafting their prenup, as DIY agreements often don’t stand up in court,” Yau-Rosher counsels. “This way, you can ensure that the document is put together in a way that will protect and benefit both parties, if it is required in the future.”

6. What cannot be included in a prenup UK?

“There are a number of strict rules regarding what can and cannot be included in a prenuptial agreement in the UK. If these rules are not obeyed, it could lead to your prenup losing all legal weight in court.

“Your prenup should not include any personal or lifestyle issues, references to child support, visitation rights or child custody, or discussion of matters that could be deemed ‘unfair’ for one or both parties. A family law solicitor can help you draft a prenup that adheres to these rules.”

7. How much does a prenup cost?

“The cost of a prenup varies, but the majority of professional solicitors in the UK will charge £2,000–£5,000. The more complex your financial situation and the larger your wealth, the more your prenuptial agreement is likely to cost.” Yau-Rosher explains.

8. How do I get a prenup?

“The first step in securing a prenup is always to seek professional legal advice from a family law specialist. Both parties should seek their own independent legal counsel. You will then be required to provide your chosen solicitor with a full run-down of your current financial situation, along with any information about debts, income and inherited wealth. The solicitor can then draft the document.

“Once both parties are satisfied, the prenuptial agreement can be signed in the presence of the solicitors and independent witnesses. Ideally, the prenup should be signed at least 28 days prior to the signing of your marriage or civil partnership certificate.”

9. Can you cancel a prenup?

“Cancelling a prenup is a complex process, but can be achieved under specific circumstances. For example, if the prenup is deemed unconscionable at the time of signing, due to a lack of legal advice or due to one party being under pressure or duress to sign.

“If you can prove that your partner has committed fraud or deliberately misrepresented their finances, this constitutes another reason for cancellation of the prenup,” Yau-Rosher says. “A prenup may also be deemed invalid if the financial situation of one or both parties has changed significantly, making the original agreement unfair.”

10. What is a postnuptial agreement?

“A postnuptial agreement is very similar to a prenuptial agreement, aside from the fact that it is drafted and signed after the marriage or civil partnership, rather than before.

“You can opt for a postnup instead of a prenup, or mutually agree to replace the original agreement with a postnup if your or your partner’s financial situation changes significantly after you marry or enter into a civil partnership.

“Due process must still be followed and both parties must still seek independent legal advice to ensure that the postnup holds a similar legal weighting to a prenup if required in court.”

“If you are considering entering into a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, seeking independent legal advice is always the best first step. Communicate your intentions and any concerns with your partner to ensure that you both enter the agreement with shared goals and a realistic outlook when it comes to your finances.”

Read more articles by Beecham Peacock Solicitors.

About Sophia Yau-Rosher

Sophia Yau-Rosher is a Director at Beecham Peacock Solicitors. Beecham Peacock Solicitors are a trusted divorce solicitors based in Newcastle Upon Tyne, and they know how important it is for your divorce settlement to be treated with the utmost respect and care.

They have countless experiences handling intricate divorce proceedings, so they understand that the process needs to be quick, smooth and respectful for both parties involved.

If you are getting a divorce, ending your civil partnership or even just agreeing to the terms of a separation, their talented divorce lawyers will make sure you are supplied with the most current and prudent advice to deal with the money, assets and property belonging to both parties.

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Divorce Month: What Happens When High Net Worth Individuals (HNWIs) Split?
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Divorce Month: What Happens When High Net Worth Individuals Split?

Published on
Alex Pugh
Alex Pugh
Chartered Financial Planner
Saltus Partners LLP
  • High net worth individuals (HNWIs) are less likely to be divorced than the general population
  • But 1 in 5 admit they have ‘delayed’ a planned divorce due to the cost
  • One in 50 HNWIs even say the cost of divorce is their ‘single biggest worry’ – above their health, their children’s wellbeing and overall financial security
  • Wealthy women are more likely to delay divorce than wealthy men

January has long been dubbed ‘Divorce Month’, and new research from wealth management firm Saltus reveals a striking surge in online searches related to ending a marriage over the festive period.

After exploring Google search trends, Saltus found that searches for ‘I want a divorce’ and ‘cheap divorce’ rose dramatically between December and January. With numbers for both terms indexed from 100 at their peak on January 4th, having climbed there from 0 on December 1st and 87 and 75 respectively on Christmas Day.

Similarly, ‘DIY divorce’ reached its peak search interest on New Year’s Day, and ‘quickie divorce’ peaked on New Year’s Eve (1). These statistics highlight how the stress of the festive season – and the promise of a fresh start in the New Year – can act as a tipping point for many couples.

But when it comes to high net worth individuals (HNWIs), the decision to divorce can become a lot more complicated – and data suggest they could be putting it off as a result.

HNWIs are five times less likely to be divorced.

According to ONS data, 7.1% of the general population are divorced – rising to 11% amongst over 45s (the average age for divorce). But amongst high net worth individuals this figure drops to just 1.3%, and 5% of over 45s.

The Saltus Wealth Index surveyed 2,000 people with assets of more than £250,000, and one in five married respondents said that they had delayed getting divorced due to the due to the cost of living crisis, while more than one in four (28%) say their family members have.

Amongst respondents who are already divorced, 27% say they ended their marriage later than planned as a direct result of the cost of living crisis, while 34% say at least one of their adult family members delayed their divorce for the same reason.

Furthermore, more than 1 in 50 HNWIs admit that their single biggest worry is ‘being able to afford a divorce’ – above their health, their children’s wellbeing and overall financial security.
Alex Pugh, Chartered Financial Planner at Saltus said: “High profile individuals face particularly complex challenges during divorce proceedings. With significant wealth at stake, there is an increased risk of hidden or concealed assets, as well as issues over what should and should not be included in a settlement, making it difficult to determine who is entitled to what, and creating what can be a very messy – and expensive – process.

“For example, around seven in ten of divorcing couples overlook sharing pensions, which, along with property, tend to be the most valuable asset. And it is often the woman that loses out.
“This is because in many cases the husband was the major breadwinner and has built up significantly more pension savings than the wife who has taken breaks and a cut in earnings to take on more family caring responsibilities. This is especially the case if the pension in question is a defined benefit scheme as their value within divorce proceedings is not just calculated on monetary value.

The data also suggest that while, overall, women are more likely to file for divorce than men – according to the ONS almost two thirds of petitions for divorce come from women. But amongst wealthy couples, women are more likely to delay divorce than men, with 21% saying they have held off initiating proceedings vs 19% of men.

“It is critically important to understand the emotional and financial challenges that accompany divorce, particularly for those with significant wealth. Over the years we have carried out countless pension sharing orders and are regularly called upon to help clients prepare for a fresh start. Getting the right advice on everything from the valuation of assets for settlement, understanding the tax implications of divorce or reviewing your investments and protection post-divorce is incredibly important to ensure the best possible, and fairest, outcome through a difficult period.”

Further information

About Saltus Wealth Index Report

  • The sixth iteration of the Saltus Wealth Index Report is released today (24th September 2024).
  • The research sampled 2,000 UK respondents (aged 18+) who have £250k+ of investable assets.
  • Research was conducted by Censuswide (Censuswide abides by and employs members of the Market Research Society, based on the ESOMAR principles).
  • This research was carried out online during August 2024.

(1) Day i want a divorce diy divorce quickie divorce cheap divorce high net worth divorce
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24/12/2024 66 0 0 0 0
25/12/2024 87 0 0 75 0
26/12/2024 64 0 0 58 0
27/12/2024 67 67 0 80 0
28/12/2024 76 71 0 0 100
29/12/2024 72 0 85 89 0
30/12/2024 57 86 97 79 0
31/12/2024 62 0 100 0 0
01/01/2025 73 100 0 89 0
02/01/2025 65 0 93 65 0
03/01/2025 57 0 98 80 0
04/01/2025 100 82 80 100 0
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06/01/2025 35 0 69 68 0
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About Alex Pugh

Alex has experience partnering with high net worth individuals, business owners and families interested in intergenerational planning. Seeking first to understand her clients’ aspirations to gain a deep understanding of what they hope to achieve, she designs tailored plans with her clients’ end goals at the forefront.

With expertise in cash flow modelling, Alex is adept at providing specialised advice to ensure her clients achieve their long term financial aims.

Her knowledge of investments, pensions, estate planning, and protection means she is well-versed in adapting plans over the course of her clients’ lives.

Alex has over a decade of experience working in finance, working for top tier institutions JP Morgan and HSBC. She has achieved the gold standard Chartered status and has completed the Certificate in Financial Wellbeing.

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Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation

Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation – Which Divorce Process is Best for You?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are different ways to get divorced to fit individual needs and circumstances.

With family mediation, divorcing couples are required to have a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting or MIAMS to cut down on the cases going to court.

Mediation is particularly helpful for spouses who want to reach their own agreement without the help of divorce lawyers as well as keep the door open for a good relationship post-divorce.

Negotiating can be like a dialogue where husband and wife explain the rationale behind their requests, such as in dividing assets.

They are in control of their outcome with the mediator’s guidance. Although many mediators are also solicitors, they do not give legal advice to either party.

Family mediation can be completed in as few as three sessions and the cost is much lower than in collaborative or litigation process. People who are motivated to work together in discovering a mutually acceptable resolution do well with mediation. Each person can consult with their own solicitor between sessions before signing anything.

Some people who are divorcing difficult spouses may feel more comfortable having their own solicitor during proceedings, as in collaborative divorce.

They have their own personal advocate to guide them through negotiations and look out for their interests. While the collaborative solicitors represent their own clients, they work together as a team to ensure a fair settlement for each party.

We had a collaborative divorce and I still liked my husband’s solicitor when it was finalized. He even gave me ideas for financial help when his client refused to pay any university expenses for our sons. That would not be happening in litigation.

Collaborative divorce brings in experts as needed, such as a financial advisor. Collaborative costs more than mediation but is much less than litigation. Many high profile couples prefer the privacy that is part of the collaborative type of divorce.

There are times where litigation is the way to go.

This is particularly true in abuse cases where a spouse is not going to negotiate face to face with their tormentor.

I interviewed people who divorced spouses with personality disorders and they only felt safe in a court room. Leaving their fate to a judge was just fine for their situations. Hiring a barrister for court and the lengthy proceedings is the most expensive type of divorce.

The court is adversarial in nature and can become a battlefield. Friendlier divorces, such as the first two, make it easier to maintain ties with one’s ex.

Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation
Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation – Which Divorce Process is Best for You?

The First Directions Appointment (FDA) is the first meeting with spouses and solicitors before a judge who shows what the gaps are in the evidence presented. The time frame for future hearings is set, although they can be cancelled if compromises are reached.

When there are children, Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) may interview them and pertinent people to give a report to the judge.

When parents cannot agree, a judge can issue a Residence Order stating with which parent a child will reside, and the Contact Order is the amount of time that the non-resident parent can see them.

Midway through divorce the Decree Nisi is granted.  Spouses work with their solicitors or barristers to complete their financial arrangements in the Consent Order. Witnesses may be called for the Final Hearing where a judge makes a ruling. A decree Absolute is issued and this finalizes the divorce and both are free to get remarried.

For those without children who want a simple and cheap divorce, there are online companies that provide forms and guidance.

Do research to find reputable company who provides solicitors to go over completed forms to ensure all is in order and a clean break is done without any further financial ties.

Another form of DIY divorce is having a court clerk help one to complete necessary forms. Several did this and later met with a judge. Their spouses were amenable to this process, readily agreed to the splitting of assets and signing the forms.

Whatever type of divorce is done, there are aspects which are the same.

A divorce is granted for ‘’Irretrievable Breakdown’’ with one of the following grounds: Unreasonable behaviour (most common), adultery, two years of separation with both parties consenting to divorce, if they have lived apart for five years, or for desertion.

Both parties have to fill out Form E which is complete financial disclosure. After parents have worked out where the children’s primary residence will be and other issues then a Statement of Arrangements for Children is written.

With the different types of divorce, if a couple gets stuck on an issue they may be sent to a Family Arbitrator.

The arbitrator listens to both parties and has more flexibility than a judge would have in deciding an outcome. Their decision is binding. This speeds up court proceedings. Mediators and collaborative solicitors can send clients to arbitration to get an issue resolved more quickly when clients just cannot compromise. This gets the divorce process back on track.

There are resources available to help you during divorce such as divorce support groups, MeetUp.com, workshops and weekend retreats.

Churches are realizing that divorce is happening and are also having their own seminars. Divorced people gave me valuable recommendations and advice during my acrimonious one.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UK

10 Myths about Online Divorce UK

Published on
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com

So many questions have been asked about online divorce, so Carmen Hudson, Director at Divorcebox, has taken the time to give us the top 10 myths about online divorce UK

Myth #1 – You need to use a Solicitor to get divorced

A common misconception is that you need to instruct a solicitor to obtain a divorce.

In reality 40% of divorce applications* in England and Wales are concluded without using a solicitor.

For more information on divorce and the divorce process visit: www.gov.uk/divorce/overview or www.divorcebox.com

Myth #2 – You have to wait 2 years or 5 years before you can get divorced

There are two criteria that a couple have to meet to make a divorce application.

  1. That the marriage/civil partnership has irretrievably broken down
  2. That you have been married/civil partners for at least one year prior to your application

The ‘facts’ used to prove the above are:

  • Unreasonable behaviour (the most common fact cited)
  • Adultery
  • 2 years separation with consent of both parties(often referred to as a no fault divorce)
  • 2 years separation, Desertion
  • 5 years separation, Desertion

You can get a divorce after one year if your spouse/civil partner has behaved in a way that you consider to be unreasonable or has committed adultery.

The 2 and 5 year criteria refer to no fault divorce applications where there are no allegations about your spouses behaviour. You can divorce by mutual agreement after 2 years or because your spouse has ‘deserted’ you for a period of 2 or 5 years respectively.

Myth #3 – Quickie Divorces

When the press refer to a quickie divorce they are in fact referring to a uncontested divorce where both parties agree to the divorce. No firm or company can influence the speed at which your divorce is granted. This is determined by two things:

  • The court/Divorce Centres schedule or workload.
  • The co-operation of both spouses who agree to the divorce

These are the two factors that will influence the speed at which your divorce is granted.

10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UK

Myth #4 – You have to attend court to get a divorce

Very few divorce applications are defended, where one party doesn’t agree to the divorce application, and an even smaller number of those require a hearing.

The majority of divorces are dealt with without either party having to attend court.

Myth #5 – Finances are settled on a 50/50 basis

When people refer to financial divorce settlements they are generally referring to a settlement by court order. It is worth noting that you do not have to apply for an order or go to court to resolve financial or childcare issues (see #8 below).

If you did decide to make an application to the court for a financial order there is no automatic division of assets on a 50/50 basis or in any other proportion. What the judge will look at is the circumstances of the divorcing couple and the needs of both parties.

Remember the pendulum can swing both ways. Either party can be potentially ordered to pay maintenance to the other party and the court does not automatically give a ‘stay at home parent’ a bigger slice of the cake.

Myth #6 – I need a consent order

A consent order is:

“a financial contract, jointly agreed by a divorcing couple, that finalises the financial obligations arising from the marriage/civil partnership”.

Firstly if your spouse doesn’t want to sign a consent order, you can not get one, as a contract requires the consent of both parties.

Secondly if you have children it may not be in your best interests to ‘consent’ to a contract that allows for no future changes in financial arrangements (that may or may not have been agreed in a separate agreement), because your children’s circumstances may change for a variety of reasons in the years ahead.

Consent orders are not a one size fits all instrument. It will depend entirely on your circumstances and the co-operation of both parties.

You can obtain a consent order in addition to completing a DIY divorce or online application if both parties are in agreement.

Myth #7 – Legal Aid is not available for divorce applications/Court Fees

10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UKThis myth is mostly true but there are schemes in place to assist those couples going through divorce. Legal Aid is no longer available for most family law matters but there is an exception for matters involving domestic abuse.

However, fee remission of the court fee for a divorce application is available for those individuals that meet the income criteria. Meaning that those on lower incomes or benefits are entitled to a full or partial remission of the court fee for a divorce application.

Financial and childcare arrangements:  Legal Aid is available for mediation if you meet the income criteria. Mediation helps you sort out arrangements about finances and children following divorce or separation.

Myth #8 – You can not get an online divorce if you need to make a financial agreement or arrangements in respect of children

A divorce application is separate to any financial agreements or arrangements in respect of children. They are often dealt with at the same time and run alongside each other but each matter is dealt with in it’s own right.

You can get divorced using an online application and deal with financial matters and childcare arrangements separately without referring the matter to court if you wish to do so.

Family Mediation:  Mediation is where an independent and impartial third party discusses issues with you and your ex-spouse/civil partner to try and reach an agreement. Mediation can be conducted separately if the circumstances require it.

Mediation is not about getting back together. It is an opportunity for a divorcing couple to make arrangements about a number of issues, including but not limited to financial affairs, housing, child care arrangements and how to deal with any property.

Legal Aid is available for mediation if you qualify.

Myth #9 – Online divorce is for people with no assets

This is another popular divorce myth. However, it was recently reported that Gary Lineker got divorced online and as such is likely to have dealt with any financials matters separately.

Myth #10 – Divorce is expensive

This myth is often supported by press coverage on big money divorces. But divorce applications do not have to be expensive or complicated. There are schemes available for those individuals on lower incomes and you can reduce the cost further by completing your application online.

Costs of divorce:

Application forms – the application form is available for free at hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk or DivorceBox.com

Court Fee £410 – this can be reduced to £0 if you qualify for remission

Family Mediation – Legal Aid is available for mediation

Online divorce – DivorceBox packages from £39.00

 

*https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/family-court-statistics-quarterly-july-to-september-2015

Carmen Hudson (LLB) is a director and head of legal of operations at DivorceBox.com a online legal service provider specialising in online divorce (e-divorce).

After 15 years in dispute resolution she founded DivorceBox to offer a less intimidating alternative to traditional legal services.

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amicable divorce

How to Have an Amicable Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A key piece to having an amicable divorce is what is happening pre-divorce.

If discussing whether or not to part-ways, do it in a calm manner without assigning blame.

Use I statements to describe your feelings and unhappiness with the marital situation. Respecting each other is the cornerstone of having an amicable divorce.

If you are the one delivering the news, try to have compassion for your spouse and do it in a gentle way. Think about what brought you two together in the first place and what characteristics that you like about them.

This helps in seeing the big picture where divorce is part of what happens in your relationship, but does not end it. Some couples become better friends after divorce, especially when the process is conducted with integrity.

Select a friendlier type of divorce such as family mediation or a collaborative one.

Litigation in court is adversarial where one spouse is pitted against the other one. In mediation or collaborative divorce, the spouses and their legal representatives work together as a team to accomplish splitting assets and finalizing the marital split.

Gov.uk has much information online regarding divorce and needed divorce papers.

It is possible to find online companies who provide guidance and a divorce kit for what is required by the court for spouses who want a divorce in this manner.

Some spouses want a DIY divorce to keep things simple. Choose what is most comfortable for you. Discuss how the divorce papers will be delivered to the other spouse if applicable. This can sabotage having an amicable divorce when they are served to a spouse in front of their boss or clients. Receiving divorce papers can be a shock, even when following a discussion about separating.

To keep divorce amicable there is give and take. Negotiations are low key without a winner take all attitude.

This involves listening to each other’s concerns and why a specific asset is desired. Flexibility and the willingness to compromise are paramount in keeping the process more easy going in order to discover creative solutions that are beneficial to both. It is understanding that neither party is going to get everything that they want with splitting assets, shared care and so forth.

To keep things amicable stay on task and leave emotion out it. If you find yourself getting hostile or defensive, take a short breather in proceedings to regroup. Aim to have a pleasant demeanour and if your spouse is becoming angry, suggest a break. Strong emotions can feed off each other and spiral out of control.

Do not start blaming your spouse during proceedings or make personal attacks on their character, no matter how tempting. Look at the common goal of getting the divorce completed and work together to get this accomplished smoothly.

Some couples I know, met at coffee houses during their divorces to work out splitting personal possessions. This was friendlier and cheaper than quibbling over artwork and china with their solicitors.

Vent with friends who can keep confidences.

During my divorce, a few people (some I barely knew) revealed what my husband was circulating around the community about me. You do not want to throw a spanner in the works of your divorce, by spreading gossip about your spouse. Keep tight lipped about what is happening so nothing can get back to them.

People do not need to know your business, so a vague “our divorce is coming along okay” will suffice. I brought pastries to our collaborative divorce meetings which contributed to a friendlier atmosphere.

If you genuinely like and respect your spouse, they can be an important ally post-divorce. They know you well and can give a job reference or be of assistance in emergencies. Some former spouses continue going together as friends to musical concerts and to other venues. When caught up in the unpleasantness of divorce, remember this is temporary and the person you once married can still be a friend.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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I want a Divorce – Contemplating Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It is true that no two divorces are the same, but it is also true that there are some features and traits that run through the veins of most divorce processes.

If you find yourself thinking or stating, “I want a divorce,” or if you are contemplating divorce, here are some things that you need to keep in mind.

Firstly and in no particular order, it is very, very likely going to get rough.

I know of couples who start off their divorce process saying that they will not get into “it” but truth be told, you will at some point or other about one thing or another.

A divorcing friend once said to me, “Our divorce will not get as nasty as yours did,” but it did happen when it came to creating the parenting plan – a very common bone of contention in divorce.

Please, please, please keep in mind that this is quite normal in divorce. It is a fight and it may indeed become a full blown war. When this happens, don’t be surprised. It is part of the divorce process, as callous and dismissive as that sounds. But if you prepare yourself to see the worst side of your soon to be ex, then you will be better able to cope.

So get a good support system around you.  Someone or people who can be and remain objective as opposed to those who will only serve in fanning the flames of your anger, resentment and outrage. Someone who is comfortable enough to say to you, “Dont’ be silly, that’s a riduclous thing to say or do.”

Secondly, prepare to meet your worst side.

You will be astonished that you’re capable of the most awful thoughts, words and wishes than you ever thought yourself capable off.

You will utter the most awful things and you will have lethal and toxic emotions of the worst kind. Deal with them.

Accept that they are there but don’t let them govern, control or regulate your actions. Saying, “she made me do it,” will not cut it with the judge neither will “he asked for it!” The sooner you take responsibility for your own actions the better and the less frequently you will act upon them.

Just don’t make decisions when you are full of anger.  Leave it, sleep on it and keep in mind what Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”  Amen to that!

Thirdly, when the war erupts, don’t take it personally. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, I

Contemplating divorce
When contemplating divorce, remember to keep the children out of it.

practised this during my second divorce and it helped PLENTY!  I still use it in my daily life and it turns out that it’s a very useful coping skill to have.

During the divorce process, you will fight and truth be told, you would behave in exactly the same way as your ex is if you were made of the same genes and had the same perspective and life experiences. He isn’t fighting you, he is fighting the situation.

She isn’t being hostile towards you per se, it is the situation, the divorce process, that is making her do so. In reality, she would behave the same way if you were Tom, Dick or Harry. It just happens to be you in the firing line or in the ring with her. And he would hate you just as much as he is now if you were Mary, Jane or Lucy – by the way is there the feminie equivalent of Tom, Dick and Harry?  I googled it but couldn’t find anything?

Fourthly, there are other ways of getting a divorce. The divorce process doesn’t have to involve divorce solicitors although, you may still need them at some point, especially if your are lucky enough to have a fairly amicable divorce.  Thankfully today, there are other ways round it. Think family mediation, collaborative law, McKenzie Friends or DIY through the courts. Find what suits you.

Fifth, as mentioned in previous point, get legal advice.  Many solicitors offer a 30 min free consultation. Prepare, prepare, prepare your questions in advance so you can cover as much as possible AND do take a friend with you because they will be better placed in retaining whatever information you get than you would be in this emotional time of your life . So two things, prepare whatever you need to know and take someone with you.

Sixth, remember to deal with your financial order. We have seen in recent times, Vince vs Wyatt, how not dealing with the your financial order and getting a clean break can come back to haunt you. Make sure you get it all done. All of it or as much of it as possible so nothing is left pending.

Seventh, the children have got nothing to do with your split yet everything to do with it. Please, please, please, keep your children out of it.

Look after them and don’t involve them in adult matters. They don’t need to know because they are unable to handle it. They don’t have the maturity to manage the situation. Instead contain their fears and anxieties.

Answer their questions as best as you can by using age appropriate vocabulary. Read up on the effects of divorce on children, why children need fathers or both parents and keep them in mind at all times as you create your age appropriate parenting plan.

If you are able to keep your children in mind, things fall into place because you have a focus, a focal point that is made up of the hearts, minds and wellbeing of the most important people in your life as you both are to them.

Divorce can get crazy and it usually does. Your soon to be ex becomes your enemy, the last person that you want to see or the last voice you want to hear. The mention of their name sends anger spasms through your body, mind and spirit.

For some, not all, but I dare say most, the divorce process does happen like this but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  You alone can control your side of things, your way of handling situations and how well your children cope with the divorce process.

Here are 3 Friedrich Nietzsche quotes that I hope will help in any way possible:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

It may not look like it now but there is life after divorce.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star-rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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Children of divorce

Raising Children of Divorce Part 2- Conflict Free Environment

Published on
Children of divorce
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For part 1 (Raising Children of divorce – The need to be excluded from adult matters) and part 3 (Raising Children of divorce – The need both parents).

This is part 2 Raising Children of Divorce – Conflict Free Environment – where we talk about providing children of divorce with a conflict free environment.

Let’s keep it real though.  Even in “happy” homes there will be moments and times where disagreements will happen.  There will be occasions where parents will get into a proper heated argument that the children will not like hearing.  It happens.

Let’s also remember that if there was no conflict, however subtle or understated, then you most likely may still be together.

So conflict is indeed expected at some level but three things will determine just what effect it will have on your children – the frequency of the conflict, it’s intensity as well as how it’s resolved, I’m not talking resolved with the other parent in conflict but how it’s resolved with the children or in their eyes.

The first two points are self-explanatory I would assume, but let me explain the third.

Providing your child with an opportunity to talk about what happened between daddy and mummy equates with providing them with a chance to package their anxieties and worries and hand them over to someone else to deal with.  This then allows them to carry on, as best as possible, with their lives and feel that they are being taken care off.

If you are not able to carry their emotions then find someone who will; a family member, a friend of yours or a professional.  But do, do something for them.

If they are unable to talk or discuss what is going on or what happened, then being left with all the ensuing emotions, thoughts and beliefs inside them will only aid in enhancing their insecurities, sense of fear of it happening again.  They don’t have the maturity to manage a pack of negative emotions.  You do.

The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.

If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough.  It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you,for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.

Soila

 

Raising Children of divorce
Get your copy of “When Love is Broken – A read-together Book for Parents and Children going through Divorce and Separation.”

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Divorce a Career Killer?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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